There’s a Time and a Place…

There is this image ingrained into my mind
one that tries to prove some logic in cases
such as mine where there is little but the
hope that by this I might at least breathe
one tiny breath before it over takes me again.

I move the pain around as if it is a handbag
too long in the strap to be slung across me
in a comfortable manner this pain just moves
under my guidance to a place where for that
moment one pain takes over the origional
and I can breathe again for a second.

From soul to hand to ignorance and back
again in a circle of moving pain just so that
for a short while I can cope and ignore the
building pressure behind my eyes from this
looking backwards and downwards but never
at the path that appears before me.

From your mouth to my mindMay 15th 2006 

How many times have I questioned myself? Be lost in the feeling standing hereWhere taking each step one day at a timeLike secrets in the wind I hear the whispersLove's not always black and white.

As I'm falling down I come undone Always sharing the sensation of going nowhere FastAfter the sun there'll be the moon it doesn't matterI miss those days and I miss those ways I wonder what you think about? 

Turning your words ever burning my heart
They’re not kissing your lips; they’re not touching like this
I keep trying to find my way but
Out of patience out of balance out of time.  

All that you see is me Everyday I wanna be a risk you takeYour energy running through meYour fingers on my skin only you can hear my fear You just never know what life can bringIs this the end of the line? 

I was always walking one step ahead
Blinded misguided in the arms of love
No more sleep for my soul
I see right through you and I think
That I wouldn’t see the flaws
A vision I can only fantasize.

Here in the dark I can be strong
I will just grow from now on I know
I thought I’d know how to handle it
Silent space the culprit the catalyst
All the heart and the soul I’ve been giving
Am I wrong to think that something could happen? 

Only when your luck’s run out you find out who really counts.

*All the words you read above are lines from the entire Delta Catalogue, I hope that doens’t work against your appreciation of the work itself, I felt her words worked better to find my voice during this time that anything I could ever write.

She sat melancholoy staring into the space that was just out of reach, that quiet empty place where at least the tears that were threatening could fall in silence. She wasn’t sure why today was empty, not of actions for she was sure she could find something to do, but today was empty of understanding. She didn’t understand why there was a pool of tears collecting behind her darkened eyes. She didn’t understand why the laughter from earlier sat just out of reach from her for the rest of the day. She didn’t understand why being as happy as she is she could feel this empty. She didn’t understand the fact that she is so full of emotions, and love that she could have empty days.
Something is missing she said to herself in a secret conversation with her psyche. Just for today something is missing. She turned to the window to see the grey sky seem to move in, to suffocate her a little. She had nothing to pass the time, she had no escape like those others who could walk through busy days and collapse content in bed. She missed what she had done before, she had her body, and her mind, and that was it, and sometimes she wanted to bring herself down so badly that she couldn’t help but let the tears form behind her eyes. It wasn’t that she was completely lonely, It wasn’t that she was stuck unloved. It was that she had no personal escape that others found. This explained the quiet empty space she found herself in, but there was nothing she could do, but force the tears down her face, and hope that she could find something to make her alive again.

(She never forgot though, dear audience, that she was loved, and loved back)

what if? isn’t that the ultimate question, we can never do everything that we ever consider, we do something, and thus scratch off the list the opposing concept, that which we can never do, because we’ve already done the opposite. I never regret, I hope, but never give in to the questioning of what if? It hurts too much, what if’s jagged lines can slice deep into the white skin of my mind, into the white skin of my forearms like the knife, so I move away from the cutlery drawer, move away from those jagged lines and just do it all, do everything that ever entered my mind, even if its just for a second, I’ll consider it, I never want to turn around and say what if, you are not a what if, my life is not a what if!

 —————————–

That red sky burnt into my mind
triggering all the thoughts that I
can’t seem to escape I can only
see your face in my closed eyes
with that red sky behind you.